Well that sums up me at the moment! The highs and lows of everything! This weekend was one of the hardest in my life! Now I am going to vent, so if you don't want to read it, don't!
Saturday saw yet another day of Grant drinking more and more! 6 weeks of hitting the bottle hard had to stop, so of course I asked the same ole favour, "Could you please lay off the alcohol just a little"! Now I didn't ask him to give it up, there was no ultimatums, just lay off it a little. Of course Grant retaliated, as he does! Stubborn! Again, I am the worst person in the world. He says its the only thing that numbs his pain, and I say its the only thing that is stopping you from dealing with your grief! I understand the whole concept behind the motive, but when we have a young family, I don't see it as a solution!
So after his retaliation I am told I am not there for him, I am never here for him! Do you know how crushed I was! Broke my heart! I helped to organise the funeral. I was by his side the whole time, comforting him, before, up and after Netty died. I have sat with him numerous times chatting and crying with him over Netty and the bullshit that has carried on after with other family matters, I had made thank you cards, created a shrine in our loungeroom with Netty's pic and poem, have done so many things to be a supportive wife, and asking him to layoff the alcohol was just another way of me trying to help! I was absolutely gutted, flawed, to be told I have never been there for him! How can I honestly get any closer to helping, apart from being by his side 24/7! I was told that I lost an Aunty big deal, its nothing like loosing your mother, so how would I know! I do the best I can, and it still isn't enough! Am I feeling sorry for myself right now, hell yes! I really don't know what to do!
This is the hardest time in my life ever! Two deaths in 5 weeks! I loved Netty, I loved my Aunty, I am trying to be a pillar of support for Grant, I had no help or support from mum as she has her anxieties to deal with! This is a time in my life where I really need my mum, and she is not there! Some days I really struggle! Somedays are easier! And to be told I haven't been any support, I haven't been there at all, crushed me like a rock!
Sunday was a little easier, I threw myself into spring cleaning. I cleaned all our bedrooms out from top to toe. went through all the boys toyboxes, book cases, wardrobes, you name it. when I was finished there, I tidied the lounge, dining and kitchen and painted a feature wall in the dining room with a Cactus Green Suede! Healing colour! I think we all need a little healing right now! Grant threw himself into painting the front verandah! He said he was sorry and only said those things because I pissed him off about questioning his drinking. He said he didn't mean it and I have been the best support he has had! Though at the end of the day, it was said, it really hurt like hell, and he can't be taken back and the drinking continued!
On a positive note the house is looking smick! Frustrations and anger, and all the emotions mixed between really do wonders for spring cleaning! The kids had a ball playing in the yard and under the sprinkler with the little girl next door! Sorry about the vent, but really needed to just put my words, emotions somewhere! I keep holding everyone else up, and over the weekend I really needed someone to hold me up! Especially Saturday night! Guess it all just makes me stronger at the end of the day, knowing I can deal with it by myself. If you read all this, you are one brave person! LOL! But thanks for listening!